The Future of Men, TEDWomen 2017
My book The Future of Men: Masculinity in the 21st Century warned of a male backlash. My TEDWomen talk has more than one million YouTube views. My warning and recommendations are more relevant today.
Following is Jack Myers TEDWomen Talk from May 2017 based on The Future of Men, published April 2016.
During the past few years, as I’ve mentioned that I’m writing a book about the future of men, many young men have looked at me with a sardonic grin and said, “You mean we have a future?”
Sure, our first reaction is to laugh, but their hopeless response is a sad testament to the emotionally disconnected reality of too many men today, and especially young men.
My research on young men evolved out of my studies over the past decade of a unique generation of about 40 million young men and women born 1990 to 2000. They’re the youngest Millennials and the first of a new cohort known as Gen-Z. They’re the first generation to have grown up in a world in which the Internet and mobile devices were always present.
They’re our first window- our prism -into future generations that will be born into a world with technological innovation beyond our conception: driverless cars, pilotless airplanes, ever-present media, the Internet of Things, robotics, artificial intelligence, virtual reality, Nintendo Go on steroids.
They’re a small generation but an exceptional one from which we can learn a great deal.
Based on my conversations and interviews with hundreds of young people and their parents, and a study I commissioned among more than 1,000 young men and women, I’ve become concerned; concerned that along with an impressive Lean In generation of young women in this cohort, we’re creating a Lean Out Generation of young men who are caught in the crosshairs of a historic gender shift.
I’ve learned that many young men today aspire to be better men, better dads, better husbands, lovers, colleagues and even better friends. But as they enter their adult years, they’re also feeling confused, conflicted and confronted by the retained influences of the patriarchy, the fraternity, and the old boys’ network.
The negative patriarchy of male dominance has defined what it’s meant for most of these young men to be a “real man;” to be strong; to be a provider, to be in authority; to be dominant economically; physically, politically; and in relationships. To have a job.
Patriarchy has been passed down from generation to generation… but that’s changing and must continue to change with this generation and for future generations of men.
We have the opportunity, the power, right now to help foster this change and to change the future for men -- and women.
When I was in college, we used to say, “trust no one over 30.” Again today, I’m questioning whether most men over 30 and the old boy’s network should be the role models who teach young men about masculinity and lead this change.
The young men in this generation are not their fathers, their grandfathers, or even their older brothers. This is the first generation that’s grown up in a more feminist world, and a growing percentage of young men believe that gender equality is a basic right and reality.
According to a national survey (Source-Washington Post and Kaiser Family Foundation), one-third of young men call themselves a feminist. Young men have grown up going to schools where most of their teachers have been women, and to colleges where the majority of their fellow students are female. Today more than 50% of Gen-Z children have grown up in either fatherless homes or homes where the mother is an equal or primary wage-earner. Fifty percent… compared to just over ten percent in 1960.
If you’re a mom of a young man in his teens or twenties, you may share the concerns of a single mom I spoke to, who’s concerned about her college educated son’s seeming lack of ambition or direction.
She told me: “We sometimes trust too much that the path for our sons will be simple. Girls are encouraged to reach beyond traditional societal constraints and are applauded for doing so. I can’t help but wonder: we are working so hard to teach our daughters that they can be anything they want to be, but what are we as a society working hard to tell our sons?”
Now, I’m sure most of you know young men who are emotionally open, vulnerable, sensitive, in touch with their feelings. And you also know that for most of their lives they’ve been told big boys don’t cry, don’t be a sissy, be a “real” man.
They’ve been positively influenced by media messages that empower women, yet they’ve also been inundated with commercials and TV shows that demean them and political messages that encourage them to “man up.”
They’re confused and they need help.
We need to help them understand why 85% of long-term relationships that end, are ended by women, (Source-You.gov. United States data.) I can assure you, based on my research, that many young men are confused when their relationships end, and they don’t know where to turn for guidance and support.
I’m not feeling sorry for men. I am making a case that just as the patriarchy has been a disservice to women, it’s also no longer serving the best interests of men and it’s threatening the future of young men.
I believe that young men need and deserve our support. If we want to bury the negative patriarchy for future generations, we need to make a case that when women succeed it’s not at the expense of men but for the benefit of all.
The women’s movement has come a long way and still has a long way to go on the journey toward gender equality. Most young men are open to joining that journey and I believe it’s important for women to help define and become vocal advocates for a new narrative: a narrative that encourages boys and young men, through role models and positive reinforcement, to embrace new definitions of masculinity; to be self-confident; collaborative; and to feel secure in sharing their feelings, being vulnerable and emotionally open.
We need a movement – a movement led by both men and women, LGBTQ and straight, that gives young men the confidence to discover their purpose and their place in the future.
Here are five ways we can all contribute to this movement.
FIRST MEDIA:
We can start by advocating for positive media portrayals of men as responsible, caring and competent husbands, sons, fathers, caregivers, teachers, nurses and secretaries, just as we have successfully advocated for positive role models for women and girls. Think about how men have been portrayed in TV sitcoms and commercials, as the idiot or buffoon unable to diaper a baby or know which medicine to take for a cold. Or worse, the commercials that honor and glorify misogyny and sexism.
SECOND, EDUCATION!
We want to keep boys in high school; educators tell me they’re encouraging more gaming and more online learning in the classroom. Let’s eliminate bias toward boys pursuing HEAL careers – health, education, administrative and library sciences -- just as we encourage young girls to follow STEM careers.
THIRD, BUSINESS. From my research, I know this generation of young people has competencies that businesses require. They possess the new basic skills for success: collaboration, community and network building, storytelling, multitasking, and strong communications skills. For Gen-Z, these skills are gender neutral, just as being more competitive and assertive, gaining technical competencies, and adapting to change are gender neutral. Companies can rethink talent assessment, motivational, and leadership training tools and programs to embrace, advance and retain their young team members.
NEXT, MENTORING.
Most companies and organizations have women’s mentoring groups. I can’t impress strongly enough how important it is to extend these support systems to young men who join an organization and to welcome and embrace them as equals. Where else do they have to turn for guidance?
There are many more ideas and suggestions for a movement, and here’s another one I’ll offer.
STAY-AT-HOME-DADS. With more men choosing to be primary care givers at home, let’s imagine a new narrative in which we embrace them as caring and loving dads who are empowering their partners and doing the best for their families, rather than taking on parenting because their wives have better jobs. I’m very aware that the challenges to women’s basic rights in this country and around the world are profound and require continued activism at every level of government, business and society.
I’m also clear that the future of men and the future of gender relationships are at a pivotal juncture.
We need to provide young men with alternatives to the politicians and men’s groups who play to their fears and encourage their anger toward society, government – and women.
Thanks to a strong, focused and effective women’s movement, young women are being steered on a positive course for themselves and for society. I believe the health, welfare and success of future generations also depends on how we respond to the realities confronting young men.
Let’s not leave them alone on a journey marked by outdated guideposts left behind by the patriarchy. They’re better men. They deserve a well-lit path into their future.
I ask moms and dads to empower them to openly express themselves without judgement or criticism, female colleagues to help them navigate a gender equal organization, lovers and friends to encourage them to engage in honest conversations about feelings. When a young man says, “You mean we have a future,” let’s answer with confidence, yes, you do!